Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

           

               Before I started school for photography, when being a photographer was just a dream, I came across a picture that left in me awe. It was a picture of a baby that was born an angel . This beautiful life was over before it even really began. But what amazed me just as much was that there was a photographer, and not just one, but a whole organization full of them, that could somehow muster enough composure to go in and capture these final moments for these families who are going through the unimaginable. At that moment I thought, "WOW! If I am ever good enough to be considered a professional photographer, I want to do that." I guess that God must have been listening in right at that moment, because a few months later, my dreams started turning into a reality and I started school for photography at the Art Institute. 

               As becoming a professional photographer began to become a reality, I was blessed to meet a precious baby girl at my church. one who touched our hearts and lives with her sweet smile. Her name was Evelyn. Little Evelyn was diagnosed with Rhabdoid Cancer when she was only 8 months old. We followed her journey closely and prayed for her every day. I thought, when she gets home, I want to take her picture. But that day never came. She gained her wings just two short months later. Then I said, "When I am more confident in my work, I want to join Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in her memory."

             In the back of my mind, I questioned if I could ever do it. What a heartbreaking thing to be a part of. So I began to pray about it. I prayed about it often and looked to God for guidance and He started answering. After that, it seemed like I saw signs everywhere. I started noticing more posts about it on Facebook. I saw stories of families, looking for help with images that had been taken of their babies. There was even a angel born locally on my birthday. At that point, I was like, "Okay God, it doesn't get much clearer than that." However, I still wasn't completely confident yet that my work would give these families the images they deserved. So I just kept praying and trying to learn all that I could in school. Then in March of this year, I finally took a deep breath and submitted my application. . . . and a few weeks later, I was accepted. 

            Still, as I waited for that first call, I wondered if I could actually do it. I reached out to my Regional Coordinator Burt and then to other NILMDTS photographers in my area. I knew for my first session, I needed to have someone with me. More than that, I needed to assist someone and observe. There was no way I could do this on my own. Not the first time. So on Easter weekend, the call came, but not from a family. It was from another photographer that was out of town and couldn't answer a call that had been given to her. This meant I would be on my own for my very first call. I was a train wreck. How was I going to do this? I cried all day for the family. I was panicked. By the time Burt called me to talk about what I would do, I couldn't even think about it without tearing up. But he calmed me down and reassured me. He had gone through my work and had confidence in me, that I could do a good job for this family. We went through all the things that I was unsure about and before we hung up, I felt much better. I was ready to go when I got the call back to go, but for some reason it never came. I think it must have happened that way for a reason. God knew I needed to have that break down so that when the time really came to go on my first call, I would be ready. So I waited and I studied and prepared myself more for what I might experience the next time the call came, and then, it did.

              Two and a half weeks ago, I got my first actual call, but this time I wouldn't be alone. I was going to assist and observe and I had time to prepare myself. We got the call just after the sweet mother had received the news, there was no heartbeat. She was going to be induced and I knew that it would be some time before the baby was born. I had time to cry and hurt for the family and then to set my heart and mind to what would need to be done. The grandmother had my number and was texting me along to let me know how she was progressing. More than anything I wanted to tell her that I was praying for them. But that was against the rules. So I just prayed that God would ease their pain and let her labor be swift so that she wouldn't hurt so bad. Then finally text came, two days later. . . "She's Here!! Room 246", it said. I thought, "Am I really going to do this? How can I do this? I AM going to do this." I squared my shoulders in my mind, put on my NILMDTS shirt, dropped my kids off at my sisters and drove to the hospital. I prayed all the way. "Lord, please help this family. Please help them find peace. Lord, please  help me to get through this without breaking down. Please help me to shine a light for you in everything I am doing today." I had 30 minutes in my van on the way there and I am sure that I must have prayed every variation of those prayers that could possibly exist. Then, I was there. Pulling into the parking lot. As I opened the door to the hospital, the first sign I saw said Maternity and my hear flopped. "Just take one step. Ok, now another. Ok, You can do this. They need you. Keep moving!" Finally I was at the elevator, then moving up. Then, there I was standing in the waiting room with a family who's faces were filled with joy and excitement and here I was nearly in tears. I quickly planted on a smile and nodded to them as I almost ran through the double doors in hopes of not giving away the pain in my heart. Too fast, I was there and asking for the other NILMDTS photographer. She was already there and was starting to take pictures as they showed me to the room where she was.

               As I walked through the door, my eyes fell on the precious little angel that was waiting for me there, Nevaeh Grace. Her perfect little nose, feet, and toes. Her long lashes, legs, and feet. Her little curls and dark hair. She was so tiny and precious and I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up into my arms and cry for this little life that was gone too soon. But, I knew that now was not the time for that. God must have known that if I didn't get into photographer mode, that that was exactly what would happen, because at that moment, the other photographer asked me if I brought my camera. Of course I did. It's an added appendage, I don't leave home without it. It was a good thing too, because hers had decided not to cooperate. So now, I was going from the assistant to the main photographer. I needed that. I needed to get lost in the lens at that moment. I needed to stop focusing on the precious angel before me and start focusing on the camera settings, the lighting, the props and her tiny details. I could hear Burt in my mind. "Work around the baby, capture the little details that will fade so quickly." I took pictures of all those little details that had previously taken my breath away. I could have taken pictures of her for hours trying to capture ever little part of her. But I knew that there was a family waiting for their sweet girl to come back to them and this time was too precious for them to be taken up by me. So,in a blink, we were moving from a room with just us and the baby, to a maternity suite filled with her beautiful family.

              Though there were tears as well, there were smiles and laughter, and excitement over this beautiful little angel. They were comparing her features to their own. Look, she has mommy's nose. Look, she has daddy's long legs and feet. What I saw was love. Of course they were devastated over the loss of this precious little girl. But they were also so very strong. You could tell that they were determined to make the most of this time with her. They wanted to hold her, memorize her, and kiss her. I wanted so much to capture her and their love for her. Again, Burt was there in my mind. "Put the baby up close to their face and get in close." So through their tears, we began to work around the room, passing her from one to the next. Sometimes there were smiles, sometimes there was hurt, but always there was love. You could tell it was hard for them to pass her on to the next. They hugged her closer for a moment, as if memorizing the weight of her in their arms, steadied their resolve, and handed her off to the next as they quickly walked away to wipe their tears. What an amazingly touching moment to be invited in to. What an honor to be trusted with these irreplaceable memories! How could I feel anything else during that time but awe. Awe at their love and their strength. I got so wrapped up in it that in a blink it was over. We were saying our goodbyes and heading out the door.

             Somehow, through the grace of God, I had made through. I had kept my composure and got the shots. As I rode the elevator down, my dam began to break. and by the time I was back in the safety of the van my tears had gone from a trinkle to full flow and I melted down, but I had done it. I had kept the promise I made to myself, God, and little Evelyn. I had helped that sweet family to have a piece of their little one to hold on to, even after she was gone. And though I didn't realize it then, I had left a small piece of my heart there with them.

             A few days later, I offered to sing at her funeral and was blessed once again with their trust. I ended up not being able to find a song that they had requested. I did the only thing I knew to do and reached out to the artist on Facebook. This to me was the definition of a divine appointment. How often does an artist check their own Facebook messages and answer them? In less than 2 hours from the time I sent the message, they had answered and sent me the music so that I could sing it at her funeral. "WOW!", was all I could say! God is SO GOOD! I knew that I could have never gotten this music without His help. Now, thanks to the wonderful generosity of these amazing artists, I could help grant this family's wish for their final day with their sweet baby girl. The service was beautiful. It was so very moving to watch her family again. To see their brokenness as well as their strength. What faith, hope, and love they had in those devastating moments. It was again, truly awe inspiring. They said something that I had been praying for, to me that day. They said, "God bless you, for all that you have done for us. You have no idea what it means to us."

             I did not need a thank you, I really didn't even want one. I was doing what God had lead me to do, the glory was His, not mine. However, as a Christian, it had been so hard for me not to mention His name and tell them that I was praying for them. As a believer in Christ, it was so hard for me not to share the good news that this little baby was now and forever would be in the arms of Jesus. And now, because they had said it first, so could I. "I'm praying for you all. God bless you." It wasn't much, but immediately that weight lifted. Shortly after that, we were releasing green and purple balloons up to Heaven and all I could think about was little Nevaeh sitting up there with Jesus watching the balloons rise up to her. And around her were all the other little babies who's lives were lost too soon. In that moment, I knew this was what I was supposed to be doing. Without a doubt, I was supposed to be a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer. That is why God had blessed me in the way that he had, so that I could use that to bless others.

            I have been blessed so much by this experience and the love from this family. I spent many days with the images of this sweet baby girl over the past couple of weeks and I love her as if she were one of my own. I love her family as if they had always been a part of my life. Isn't it amazing how one so small can change your whole life with their last heartbeat? Little Nevaeh, you definitely have changed mine. I will never forget your sweet little face and the love that your family gave you in such a little time. When the call comes in again, I will think of you.  I will muster my composure, walk through the hospital doors, and help another family who is living the unimaginable. And I will take you with me, in my heart.